‘Just friends: On the joy, influence and power of friendship’ is the debut book of author Gyan Yankovich, based in Australia. She is the lifestyle editor of The Age and the Sydney Morning Herald. Earlier this year I heard her interviewed on radio about this new book.
It struck a chord.
I stopped the car and wrote down the title, then ordered the book. And read it cover-cover!
Why?
I’d noticed that as each decade passed my friendships and friendship groups were changing, some completely unexpected. Others ‘disappeared’ due to change in location, family loss, death.
These changes, shifts, transitions in our friendships, how we view ‘friendship’ and sometimes the pain we experience, is rarely if openly discussed. I’ve certainly hardly spoken about this with peers and it’s taken many of my yogic skills to sit with and understand, observe, reflect, contemplate.
‘Just Friends’ explores modern friendship, what it means to be, to make and sometimes lose a friend.
Gyan’s book is conversational, often based on interviews with friends, strangers alike, also peppered with factual content from learned scholars and related research. It’s an easy read with ten chapters, each one delving into a different horizon about friendship.
Below are some personal thoughts from three chapters that resonated with me.
The care factor
Gyan emphasises that true friendship is about much more than just the ‘fun’ times. While our younger years may have been filled with spontaneous meet-ups at quirky places, real connection runs deeper as life unfolds.
For Gyan, care takes centre stage in defining friendship. At its core, true friendship isn’t just about asking, ‘How are you?’ It’s about genuinely caring enough to know how someone is, even without them saying it.
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It’s expressed in the little things:
- remembering the details, checking in, and making time.
- those people who show up, especially during the hard times.
- it’s navigating challenges with others like COVID, illness, or loss.
- built on reciprocity, thoughtfulness, and unwavering care.
‘If care doesn’t sit warm in the hearts of my friendships, I’m not sure I want them at all.’
It takes a village
What if you could build your own village! How would that look?
Gyan highlights the three vital ingredients of a strong friendship community:
- Safety: Feeling secure and accepted.
- Sustenance: Emotional, mental, and physical support.
- Care: Genuine concern and kindness for one another.
Many cultures show that group support can provide far more than these essentials and be transformative.
The idea that friendships are inherently less meaningful than sibling or romantic bonds assumes they’ll always come second. I truly don’t wish this!
What if we loosed our grip on what it means to be and have a family?
‘I love meeting my friend’s children, parents and siblings, feeling how they provide me also with care in the moment.’
Letting go of ‘the one’
In today’s world, it’s easy to lean on one person – a partner or close friend – to fulfill roles that an entire community or family once shared. Placing such expectations on one relationship is both unrealistic and probably unhealthy.
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Here are some other thoughts about your circle of support:
- Close friendships often provide a unique kind of accountability, sometimes even more than a partner, as they challenge us out of genuine concern for our well-being.
- The strength of our friendships and investment in our ‘social’ world really is an important investment in ourselves.
- It’s essential to recognise when we’ve become overly attached to one person, a partner or a friend, whom we fear losing.
‘When I am rejuvenating myself, my mental health through social connectedness, my sense of purpose strengthens; then I can be there for myself and others.’
Conclusion
We need to keep searching, experimenting, focusing and celebrating all the good things in our friendships, not just listening and being there when the uncomfortable things happen with and for our friendships.
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Some simple ideas:
- Press pause in the most inconvenient times for your friends – just like you may wish them to do or have already done for you!
- Take the same obligation you may towards family and apply it to your friends!
- Give friendship the power it deserves – move away from the scale that tips you more towards your productivity, your families, your partner.
- Take on more of your own advice that you give to your friends, to yourself!
Personally some salient insights on my friendships are:
Lifelong friendships:
These are the people I intuitively know will always be part of my life. The bond simply strengthens and deepens over time. If you have one or two of these friends, you are truly blessed.
Bonds created through mutual interests:
Deep connections for me have come from shared passions and pursuits, however this has required effort, stepping up, commitment and being open to the ‘new’.
Growing apart:
Some friendships just drift, the gap widens and connections fade. Letting go involves releasing ‘old storylines’ of what was and moving with this change.
Lifestyle choices:
Prioritising meaningful time together whether in person or over the phone for me nurtures deeper, purposeful connections. Much more than feeling a sense of obligation to accept many social invitations.
